Readying Myself for a Fresh Start

Right now my thoughts are dominated by new beginnings. I have just left my job of more than 15 years and am currently on holiday before starting at my new company. This move takes my career in a completely new direction and so I find my mind musing over the concept of new beginnings. 

15 years is, by any human at least 😉 measure, a significant amount of time. Only a handful of my friendships were formed before I started working for my old employer. This makes it an important relationship for me, however I look at it. And as with all such relationships, when they are over they leave a hole. My work was part of my identity, I grew in the role, I was changed by it, and now it is gone. 

Some relationships end easily while others do not. When they do end difficultly they can have a negative effect on us. But only if we let them. So an important part of new beginnings is to have closure on any issues created during the previous relationship. So what I am doing now is to: 

• stop
  give myself time to breathe
• analyse myself
  work out my feelings for my previous employer
  
• keep the good
  anything that I know will help me in my new career
  
• rid myself of the bad
  anything that could turn into baggage and be a negative influence on me

I planned some time off before starting at my new company. The children are on a school holiday so we are spending the time together. This will give me much needed rest and relaxation – very important after the stressful time I’ve had recently. I must just make sure that I use my evenings for the self-analysis.

 

Parenting Third Culture Kids

A lot has been written about third culture kids (TCKs). How they cross over from one culture’s expectations to another. From one culture’s behaviour’s to another. I see them as the closest we humans have come to replicating chameleons. But as much as I have read about them, I have yet to read anything from their parent’s perspective. And that’s me! 

I was not a third culture kid. I grew up in one country, in the same city. It was only after I left home that I started my world traveling. My kids, on the other hand, have lived on two continents, in two or three countries depending, and in countless houses. 

I know very clearly what my culture is. It’s British. Well, it’s British, affected by my time in Canada, Germany, Sweden, and Japan. So that’s clear then! 🙂 

What is my children’s culture? 

But what about my children’s culture? What is it?

• Does it come from mine and my wife’s culture?
• Is it from their first country?
• Is it from their passport country?
• Is it from the country they’ve lived in the longest?
• Is it from their current country?
• Is it from the cultural mishmash that is their international school?

The truth is that it is a mixture of all of these. How they decide in any given occasion is probably the same as I do. They adjust their culture to fit the situation they are in at the time. They would not expect others to adjust to them. Hence the cultural chameleon I talking about earlier. I would never think of offering my hand to shack in Japan, but it would be the first thing that I’d do in most other countries I’ve visited.

All of this leads to a very important question for me as their parent: can I, should I, correct my children for following a set of cultural norms that are acceptable to them but not acceptable to me?

Have a think about that for a little bit! It may sound like a trivial question to you. You may have an answer for me – one that you are possibly shouting at the screen right now as you despair at my parenting skills, or lack of:

• “You are the parent, you make the rules” you shout

Let me give you a little example to help you understand the difficulty. What should my children do when they have a cold? 

• In England we blow our nose. Sniffing is seen as rude 
• In Japan you sniff – as blowing your nose in public is rude 

So, sorry kids: there’s no way you’re going to please both me and our Japanese hosts at the same time! This is a useful life lesson in itself:

You can’t please all of the people all of the time

This kind of cultural conundrum could go part way to explaining why TCKs can often seem more wise than their years. They deal with issues on a daily basis growing up that you wouldn’t expect a child to even think about.

This topic came up in conversation last weekend. A friend had to tell his daughter to “sit properly” at the table. But after he’d said it and she’d changed position he went on to explain that she was sitting exactly the way her maternal grandmother sits.

What I like about this and other examples I’ve witnessed, is the openness with which these issues are often discussed within families. There is real, honest, open engagement between the parents and children on the subject.

I believe this leads to very healthy family relationships. 

How would you have handled the situation?

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It is impossible to live around the world without being affected by it, being changed by it. If even an adult who spent their formative years in one place feels the effects, imagine how great those effects must be for a child. I feel being a parent is a great honour, one that is only amplified by this expat life.

Is Being Adaptable the Only Way?

Being adaptable is the only way that I know how to live my life. With the type of lifestyle that I have, new customers/new countries, I don’t think that any other way is possible. But my mother reminded me recently that I wasn’t like this as a child. The phrase she used I think was “stamping my feet” if plans had to be changed. So when and how did I become adaptable, and is it important for my children to learn this skill while they are still children? Or is there something to be gained from having a rigid streak that keeps you rooted to your goals?

Like everything in life, being adaptable is a personality trait that lies on a sliding scale. Being adaptable is at one end of the scale, but what is at the other?

There are a lot of these sliding scales – others are easier to work out:

• Outlook on life: Positive or negative
• Mindset: Growth or Fixed
• Assessing your environment: Sensing or feeling
• Introvert or extravert

The theory goes that we all lie at some point along these scales. Let’s take the introvert/extrovert scale as an example. About 20 years ago I took the Myers Briggs assessment along with 20 other new Graduates at my then employer. It resulted in me being recognized as the biggest extravert in the group – I was almost off the scale. Anybody observing the group would have found it difficult to disagree with that result.

Interestingly, the two other grads that I’d instantly bonded with at the residential also sat in exactly the same Byers Briggs square as I did. – They were also both highly extraverted!

We move sideways along these scales all of the time.

While it is true to say that I exhibit extroverted behaviour most of the time, this isn’t the whole story. It is too simplistic to say that I am a full time extravert. Being an extrovert means that I shouldn’t like time on my own – but I do. I get as much strength and re-energisation from time on my own as I do from time spent with others. We move sideways along these scales all of the time.

Anyway, back at the adaptable scale. If being adaptable lies at one end of the trait, what lies at the other? Using my boyhood self for reference I’d say “stubborn”. But I’m looking for a word that also has a positive meaning, and I can’t see anything positive about stubborn.

As I’m drawing a blank I thought that I’d resort to that fountain of all knowledge: Google.

Me: OK Google, what is the opposite of “adaptable”

Google: “unadaptable”

Well that doesn’t really help!

Let’s come at this from a different angle. If I can work out the weaknesses of being adaptable then I can find the strengths I am looking for. This should lead me to a good word. If I’m constantly changing myself to meet my new reality then maybe I’m not standing firm, not remaining true to my core? I might also be abandoning long term goals. In that case, how about some of these words?

• Rigid
• Structured
• Fixed
• Planted
• Immovable

With all of them I can see a negative side, but let’s look for the positive. What would be the positive characteristics on display here if I were to reflect these traits listed above?

• I could stand my ground in the face of opposition when required
• I know what goal I’m chasing after
• I remain true to my purpose
• I keep my core working practices

I can see positives here.

My coach helped me realise that I’d been blocking certain actions within myself. When I thought that one trait was full of positives, I’d only see the negative aspects of it’s opposite trait. As a result I prevented myself from using that other trait. For example, I’ve become adaptable to survive my lifestyle and remain effective at work. However, being planted would also allow me to stand firm if:

• I encountered a situation where I was asked me to do something that went against my core values.
• A new working environment was not favourable for productive working – something I pride myself on being.

Every personality trait has an opposite trait. While we will exhibit one of these more than the other, we will exhibit qualities of both – depending upon the situation.

The real power is to be able to actively choose which is the most appropriate for each situation, rather than letting our emotions dictate this for us.

 

Do you have a good positive word for the opposite of adaptable?

 

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It is emotional intelligence that gives us the ability to chose our responses. If you would like to read more, then the posts below are a good place to start:

• Remember to Breathe
• Tolerating Conflict